Colbert Meets A Religious Liberty Task Force Special Agent


YOU KNOW, FOLKS, PEOPLE ARE
STILL TALKING ABOUT LAST WEEK’S ANNOUNCEMENT FROM ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND MAN WHO EVEN HE WANTS TO PUNCH, JEFF SESSIONS. ON MONDAY THE ATTORNEY GENERAL
DECLARED THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT IS FORMING SOMETHING
CALLED A RELIGIOUS LIBERTY TASK FORCE. IT’S GOAL WILL BE PROTECTING
RELIGIOUS GROUPS FROM PERSECUTION. WOW, THAT COULD PUT A REAL KINK
IN THEIR MUSLIM BAN. BUT SESSIONS, THAT WORKED OUT. THAT LOGIC. THAT LOGIC WORKED OUT. BUT JEFF SESSIONS SAYS THE TASK
FORCE IS NEEDED BECAUSE RELIGEON IS FACING A SECRET THREAT.>>A DANGEROUS MOVEMENT,
UNDETECTED BY MANY BUT REAL, IS NOW CHALLENGING AND ERODING OUR
GREAT TRADITION, OUR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. MANY AMERICANS HAVE FELT THAT
THEIR FREEDOM TO PRACTICE THEIR FAITH HAS BEEN UNDER ATTACK. AND IT IS EASY TO SEE WHY. WE HAVE SEEN NUNS ORDERED TO BUY
CON STRA SEPTEMBERIVES.>>Stephen: OH, WE’VE ALL SEEN
THAT, EVERY CVS IS JUST PACKED WITH SEXUAL DEVIANTS FORSZING
SIS MER– SISTER CARMELITA TO BUY THEM TRO JANUARIES AT NIEFER
POINT. GET ME THE MAGAZINE NUMBS,
SISTER,– MAGNUMS, SISTER OR ELSE. OF COURSE NONE OF THAT IS TRUE. THAT WAS JUST ONE EXAMPLE. SESSIONS ALSO TOOK A MOMENT TO
HONOR JACK BAKER THE COLORADO BAKER WHO REFUSED TO MAKE A
WEDDING CAKE FOR A GAY COUPLE. ALL WEDDING CAKES MAKE JEFF
SESSIONS UNCOMFORTABLE SINCE HE IS FREQUENTLY CONDITION FUSED
FOR A CAKE TOPPER.>>HE SAID HE RESPECTED PEOPLE’S
FAITH AND HE PROMISED TO PROTECT HIM IN THE FREE EXERCISE OF THAT
FAITH. HE DECLARED WE WOULD SAY MERRY
CHRISTMAS AGAIN.>>Stephen: ARE YOU FREE TOW
EXERCISE ANY FAITH HOWEVER YOU CHOOSE TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS. IT’S CLEAR THIS TASK FORCE WON’T
BE CONCERNED WITH RELIGIOUS LIBERTY FOR EVERYONE. SOME CRITICS ARE EVEN CALLING A
NOD TO CHRISTIAN NATIONALISM AND A HOLY WAR ON LGBT PEOPLE. HERE TO CLARIFY MATTERS WE ARE
JOINED LIVE VIA SATELLITE BY RELIGIOUS LIBERTY TASK FORCE
SPECIAL AGENT TOM DOCKFORD. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. AGENT–
(APPLAUSE) DOCKFORD.>>THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,
STEPHEN. MERRY CHRISTMAS
(LAUGHTER).>>Stephen: THANK YOU, BUT
STATION.>>YOU CAN’T SILENCE ME,
COLBERT. IT’S ALWAYS CHRISTMAS SOMEWHERE.>>Stephen: THAT’S– OKAY. SO WHAT YOU CAN TELL US ABOUT
THE RELIGIOUS LIB ERT TASK FORCE?>>THE RL TV F IS HERE TO
DEFEND THE RELIGION OF PEOPLE FROM ALL FAITHS FROM METHODISTS
TO BAPTISTS TO ORTHODOX EPISCOPALIANS.>>Stephen: WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO AREN’T CHRISTIAN.>>I’M PRETTY SURE THEY ARE
FINE. WE ARE FOCUSED ON BIGGER
PROBLEMS LIKE NUNS BEING FORCED TO BUY PORN IN A DREAM HI ONCE. (LAUGHTER).>>Stephen: SO YOU BELIEVE
CHRISTIANS ARE SUBJECT TO THE KIND OF PERSZ KEUTIONS JEFF
SESSIONS– PERSECUTIONS JEFF SESSIONS IS TALKING ABOUT.>>IS THE POPE CLAT LICK. SERIOUSLY, IS HE? I DON’T KNOW, WE’LL NEVER KNOW
BECAUSE THE LIBERALS WON’T LET HIM TALK ABOUT IT AT WORK.>>Stephen: THAT’S NOT TRUE. WE KNOW HE’S CLAT LICK AND SO AM
I.>>OH, OH, REALLY. CURIOUS, HOW MANY GAY WEDDING
CAKES WERE FORCED TO MAKE LAST YEAR.>>Stephen: NONE.>>GOOD FOR YOU, STEPHEN
COLBERT. GOOD FOR YOU. HOW ABOUT GAY BIRTHDAY CAKES.>>Stephen: WHAT?>>TRICK QUESTION. ALL BIRTHDAY CAKES ARE GAY. (LAUGHTER)
YOU SOUND LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT RIGHT NOW.>>Stephen: WHY.>>I MEAN WHAT KIND OF STRAIGHT
MAN CELEBRATES THE ANNIVERSARY OF LEAVING A VAGINA.>>Stephen: OKAY, THAT IS
ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE.>>NO, NO, WHAT IS INAPPROPRIATE
IS THE PERSECUTION CHRISTIANS FACE EVERY DAY AT THEIR LOCAL
BAKERY. WE DON’T EVEN KNOW THE SEXUAL
PREFERENCES OF OUR BAKED GOODS ANY MORE, PAL.>>Stephen: BAKED GOODS DON’T
HAVE SEXUAL PREFERENCES.>>WRONG, WRONG AGAIN. A DONUT DOES NOT WANT ANOTHER
DONUT. IT WANTEDS A TWINKIE. (LAUGHTER)
THAT’S JUST GOD’S LAW I MEAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE TWO BAGELS
BUMPING UP AGAINST EACH OTHER? AND IF YOU COMPANY, I WOULD LOVE
TO TELL YOU ABOUT A DREAM I ONCE HAD.>>Stephen: NO, THANK YOU.>>EXACTLY, EXACTLY. WHICH IS WHY THE TASESK FORCE IS
DEMANDING THAT EVERY BAKED GOOD IS LABELED WITH ITS SEXUALITY
LIKE THIS CLEARLY, NOT GAY COOKIE. HMMMM.>>Stephen: OKAY, BUT NOW THE
COOKIE JUST SAYS GAY DAMMIT. TRICKED AGAIN. TRICKED AGAIN BY THE HOMOSEXUAL
SWEET MEAT AGENDA.>>Stephen: AGENT TOM
DOCKFORD, EVERYBODY.>>MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.>>Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS. WE’LL RIGHT BACK WITH COUNTRIES
HAYES.

100 comments

  1. Sessions and his followers of the religion of hate (aka: Christianity) are only concerned about the rights of the religions that most white people follow (e.g. Christianity and Judaism)! All else, such as Muslim, Sessions wants total annihilation! That, in a nutshell, is what Sessions and other good Christians and Evangelicals called "Religious Freedom" and "Religious Protection!"

  2. I'm a Buddhist. Trump isn't religious. He only pretended to be to get the Christian vote. I agree people of faith aren't respected at times but half the reason is because of the foolish politicians who claim to be religious yet are more afraid of not being re-elected than doing the right thing and going against Trump.

  3. Their 'freedom' to be bigots is what this really all about.
    "Dangerous secularism…."
    /Religious zealots who want an evangelical christian version of Iran and Saudi Arabia.

  4. I think you just came up with T rump's 2020 campain slogan –
    "Vote for me and you can punch Jeff Sessions, once, in the face… or maybe Pence."

  5. I feel like we are all a bit too comfortable with this particular piece of satire.
    As we all assume this is far enough from our reality to laugh about it.

  6. War is Peace, Slavery is Freedom, Ignorance is Strength… Jeff Session ist interested in protecting people

  7. Colbert catholic? Why does he have to keep reminding us? Bad enough we have pedophile priests without Colbert mentioning he's catholic all the time. GEEZ.

  8. Mr. TRUMP! Mr. TRUMP!. I heard there's a rumor going around that god gave the world to the DEVIL so that he could destroy himself

  9. Religion IS under attack. The single biggest assault on religion comes in a form called LOGIC. Logic must be stopped at all cost.

  10. The Christians stole my holiday for worshiping the winter solstice and evergreen trees and chastise me if I call it anything other than their new-age name, "Christmas". I hope this law will protect me too.

  11. The only thing real about this is that one can control the people easier through fear, division, and hatred. Divide and conquer.

  12. Freedom of religion includes freedom from religion, no? And whatever happened to the separation of church and state? Do you just cherry pick the bits of the constitution you like? And why no taxes on any scam religion, some of them are filthy stinking rich? Doesn't the bible say something about rich men and heaven? Cherry picking that too? I don't think the wealthy believe any of that shit, regardless of their claim to follow the bible and constitution. Grow up people, they are stealing your future, with your consent. and approval.

  13. Science may not prove to a 100% certainty that God does not exist but it proves that all religions are wrong in teaching god's will. First, a creator is very unlikely and second, if there is a god, he (she, it) is a scientist. Rich and incompetent people use religion and ignorance to stay ahead. No wonder why… A bunch of incompetents!

  14. Someone should just found an lgbt religion. Olivers "our holy order of perpetual exemption" shows how easy it is. Having to protect that one would get Session going plaid with rage.

  15. The Christian Taliban is the biggest threat this country has ever faced. Sessions must be killed.

  16. I'm just going to say I love most how Stephen ran to hug Rob after this bit, like, "Yeah we'll be right back," leaves chair in a flash goes "omg omg omg Rob!!!"

  17. Oh this is great !!! Maybe this Religious Liberty Task Force can at as a buffer between the Christians and followers of Knostic/Shamanic teachings which historically , if their messages start getting too popular, the Christians just launch another crusade and murder all of them.

  18. I know it's not exactly the point, but Stephen was so sweet when he ran over to hug Rob.
    This guy is a treasure.

  19. Its realy frightening how american right wingers can revolve around none-topics like this while ignoring real problems like climate change, war and hardcore capitalism eating up our lives

  20. Yes i can imagine teo Bagels bumping together, i can also imagine they being eaten, heck maybe even rubbed against each other. because Bagels should have the same liberty as the Granola

  21. You just lost me , anyone that supports an Organization that shuffles pedophiles around deserves not one minute of my time .
    How do you deal with the cognitive dissonance , Stephen ?

  22. Christian sharia, when the nation was built from escaping religious persecution from a monarchy feudal cast system against freedom and equality of opportunity, in liberation of its self, in separation of church and state and forming a democracy/republic gov along the lines of progressive liberal ideals of what it mostly stands for, of what its really based on, maybe why CON-servative are so anti gov, of it being of freedom and equality of opportunity from investing towards peoples up most potential, as a return back into society, as a member of it, that conservatives label socialism, when its the real reason the nation prospered as much as it did was from liberal ideology, than the allways on the wrong side of history crony socialist/capitalist regressive CON-servative one.

  23. Is the religious task force going to fight the war on Christmas? Watch out, they've got snow balls and hot chocolate! This looks like a good place to hang a wreath! Nooooooo! That Christmas sweater was too young to die.

  24. This is getting so crazy! I am a Christian and have never felt persecuted or attacked because of my beliefs. What is going on? I have felt much more vulnerable and attacked for being a liberal democrat in a red state. The religious right wing and conservatives need to just stop and take a breath. Do they really feel like such victims? Jesus taught us to love our neighbor, not to cast stones at others and to turn the other cheek. I know these are views that conservatives may not agree with, but thank God he sent our Lord Jesus to demonstrate the need for kindness and compassion for all! May God give us all strength and patience in these difficult times.

  25. Our [Virginia's] act for freedom of religion is extremely applauded. The Ambassadors and ministers of the several nations of Europe resident at this court have asked me copies of it to send to their sovereigns, and it is inserted at full length in several books now in the press; among others, in the new Encyclopédie. I think it will produce considerable good even in those countries where ignorance, superstition, poverty and oppression of body and mind in every form, are so firmly settled on the mass of the people, that their redemption from them can never be hoped. -T. Jefferson

  26. Isn't sister Carmelita the nun from the Ender's Game series? She raised Bean and Archilles.
    edit: Sorry it's Carlotta.

  27. To the LGBTQ community: we have your back through this shitstorm.
    Love, A Random Black Person On The Internet

  28. Actually, the story about Nuns being forced to buy contraceptives is true. Under the Affordable Health Care Act, any non-profit organization with more than 50 employees needs to meet government standards for health insurance, including making contraceptives available. Such organizations can opt out of that requirement if they bring their concerns to their insurance agency or the government, which Little Sisters for the Poor refused to do, instead taking it to court to demand that Separation of Church and State should protect them from that, which the court decided that, while they were religiously influenced, they weren't enough of a religiously centered organization for that to apply. So, now Little Sisters for the Poor are forced to provide contraceptives for any employee who wants them or face fines up, until they decide to actually write a letter to the government asking to opt out of the requirement.

  29. Freedom to discriminate. They call it an attack on their values not to be able to stop others from having the same human rights as they do. PS. Nobody cares if you say Merry Christmas or not. Even met Hindus with a Christmas tree and they said to "have a merry Christmas and a happy new year" .

  30. The real religion of a living being is his natural inborn quality, whereas pretentious religion is a form of nescience that artificially covers a living entity’s pure consciousness under certain unfavorable conditions. Real religion lies dormant when artificial religion dominates from the mental plane.”

  31. The brave men and women of the RLTF. Protecting nuns from being forced to buy condoms since 2018. I can't wait for the RLTF memorial in Washington to be built.

  32. This seems to be to me another task force to protect alt right evangelists from Catholics and Muslims. cause they will eventually claim that they are the ones being persecuted.

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