All Old Jewish People Have the Same Facial Expression – Jessica Kirson

Are there Jewish people here? [cheers and applause] Oh, my God, this is like a JCC.
Wow. Where’d you go to camp? [laughter] You’re Jewish?
Did you go to sleepaway camp? [stammers]
Um… [laughter] I do a lot of shows for
old Jewish people in Florida, and you wouldn’t know this, but they’re the hardest crowd
there is. There’s no harder crowd. After each show,
I eat a live pig. I’m not even kidding. It’s really hard because most of the crowd
is 80, 90. Some have passed. And I… have to make them laugh. And they have horrible faces. I mean, I’m gonna end up
looking like this. This is the face of every old Jew– I’m gonna end up
looking like them. No matter how beautiful you are, you end up looking like that. I mean, I’ll be doing stand-up
in 30 years. “How’s everyone doin’?” And they do it even when they’re
saying something positive, like, “It’s gorgeous outside.” “Look at the sun.
It’s beautiful!” “This meal is delicious!” “The test came back negative.
I’m gonna live!” Are you sure you’re happy,
Phyllis? You look fucking miserable. Phyllis is a hot name,
isn’t it? [in deep voice]
“Ugh, Phyllis, yeah!” Um… “Get over here, Ruth!
Ugh!” When I do these shows,
they talk very loud, because they–they feel like
they can. “I can talk
whenever I want to talk. I can talk.
You can’t tell me not to talk.” And they talk loud
because they’re deaf. This is totally true. So I’ll be in the middle
of my act, and I’ll hear them
having whole conversations, like “Did she just say
she’s from New Jersey?” “I think she did say
she’s from New Jersey.” “What part of New Jersey? Do you think she knows
the Eisensteins?” They sound like cats
being raped, just “Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh, a discount!” I, um… [applause] “Ahhhhh!” [cheers and applause] I, um… They also walk up to you
after the show and always have a comment
about your comedy. Like, you wouldn’t know that, no one would ever know that, but non-Jewish people
don’t do that. They–well, they’ll come up
to you, but they’ll be like,
“I’m so sorry to bother you. “I’m so sorry,
but you were really funny. “But I’m so sorry
to take your time. “I’m really sorry. I’m so sorry I was ever born.” These old Jews
walk right toward– they can’t wait to tell you
what they thought. It’s amazing. It’s like
“Night of the Living Dead” when they walk to you. It’s like “Thriller,” just… And they can’t wait to tell you
what they thought, and it always starts out nice
and ends up nasty. It’s the same thing every time. Like, “I thought
you were very talented, “but no one around me
laughed once. “Not one person even smiled. You should kill yourself,
you fat fuck.” Or, “You’re so pretty
up close… “But on stage,
you look like an animal, “a goddamn animal,
you loser. You’ll never make it,
you stupid idiot.” No one in my family listened. My grandmother would actually
answer her own questions. I swear to God,
she would be like, “How you doing, Jessy,
good? What do you want for dinner,
chicken?” There was no time in between
the question and the answer. I can’t imagine
if she were a game show host. The show would end
in five seconds. She’d be like, “Where you from,
Minnesota? “What do you do,
lawyer? “You make a lot of money?
Of course. “Where you from,
Rhode Island? “What do you do for a living,
librarian? “Are you boring?
Yes. Okay. “Who wants to go
to the bonus round? Everyone. Who’s gonna win?
Carol.” And that’s the end of the game.

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